If Practicing Self-discipline Is Making You Miserable, There’s A Good Chance You’re Doing It Wrong

People often think of discipline as willpower but these two things are not the same. In my experience willpower has little to do with self-discipline.

What Is Willpower?

Willpower is defined as:

will·pow·er

/ˈwilˌpou(ə)r/

noun

1. control exerted to do something or restrain impulses."most of our bad habits are due to laziness or lack of willpower"

I like to look at will power as a muscle. And like any muscle when you use it over and over again it becomes fatigued. That is why when you continue to tell yourself over and over “no” you are not going to do something or eat that off-limit food that you eventually cave anyway. You wore out the muscle that you use to resist instead of looking at why you act a ceratin way or why you were wanting off-limit food in the first place.

What Is Self Discipline?

self-dis·ci·pline

/ˈˌself ˈdisiplin/

noun

1. the ability to control one's feelings and overcome one's weaknesses; the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite temptations to abandon it."his observance of his diet was a show of tremendous willpower and self-discipline"

Self-discipline is not restrictive (read willpower). I don’t care what the dictionary says. Discipline is showing up over and over again even when you don’t feel like it. Discipline is continuing to practice the same habits over and over again until you can understand the reasons behind why you rather do one task over the other or be a certain way instead of another. And you can’t do that without some reflection and self acceptance.

Self-discipline Paired With Self-acceptance

Everything we do is based off emotion. We scream because we’re frustrated. We didn’t do our workout because we thought choice B would be more enjoyable. We eat something we later regret because we were bored, upset, anxious, annoyed... you name it. It’s called emotional eating for a reason. Every action we take we can lead back to an emotion.

In order to practice self-discipline without shaming ourselves we first have to accept ourselves. In the very moment you’re doing the opposite of what you want to do you:

First need to recognize it.

“I’m screaming at my kid.”

Second, ask yourself why You are doing it.

“Why am I screaming at my kid? I feel frustrated.”

Third, ask yourself why you feel that way.

“Why do I feel frustrated? Because they’re not doing what I said and I feel disrespected.”

Fourth, ask yourself if there’s a healthier way to handle the situation.

“How else can I get their attention? I can explain what my expectations are. I can explain that they are not listening and that makes Mommy feel bad. I can send them to their room for some time until they are ready to listen.”

This is what self-discipline looks like. It takes practice. It is understanding yourself and why you make the choices you do.

Willpower would have been something like this:

“I yelled at my kids and I told myself I wasn’t going to do that anymore. I’m a terrible Mom. I suck at this. I can’t get them to listen.” It looks like shame and it feels like shit.

People who do things out of willpower are often miserable and fall off the straight and narrow. People who do things out of self-discipline do things because it gives them a feel good feeling. They’re happy and until we get there with them we look at them like they’re crazy. Crazy for picking the salmon over the ribeye.

Crazy for keeping their cool while their 2 year old screams at them in the middle of the grocery aisle.

Crazy for enjoying their 5am wake up call.

Crazy for being consistent with working out instead of sitting on the couch binge watching the new hot show on Netflix.

It’s not that they don’t still feel the struggle of doing the thing that is hard for them to do but they have now linked a feeling of joy & purpose with doing it anyway. With consistency and with reflection we all can get to the point that from an outsider’s perspective, it’s all looks easy and we look crazy.